Friend of Dorothy

It is all "The Obsessive Compulsive Cleaner's" fault. She is the reason I know how to 2-step, the reason I got married for the 3rd time, the reason I have gigantic bras, the reason I got extremely drunk in the Phillipines by buying me TRIPLE jack and cokes, the reason I got my hair cut so short that Fozzie now refuses to let me go play at her house. Do you have a TOCC in your life? You ought to. She doesn't at first seem to be a force to be reckoned with, but appearances ARE decieving. She was the original CombatMom, way back in 1991 when we met. All the folks in the office called her Mom cause she fussed over all of us like a Den Mother in the scouts. But since they got out of the AirFarce, her hubby now makes so much money that she could be a Lady of Leisure if she wanted. But the word leisure is not in her vocabulary and so she scrubs richer people's toilets to keep her self occupied. Therefore she will now be known as "The Obsessive Compulsive Cleaner" or TOCC for short.

But back to the hair. In 1977/78 the Dorothy Hamil cut was all the rage, and I just happen to have the perfect hair for that cut--nice and thick, with some body. My mom kept us girls in short shags and pixies until Perfect Sister and I were old enough to walk down to the beauty school and get our own cuts. Being a beauty school, they needed victims to hone their skills on and the price was quite cheap. I was not at this time aware of Caveat Emptor, and when I went over to have my Dorothy trimmed up before going to a party something happened. Something BAD happened. Instead of having a nice thick wedge in the back, I ended up with about an inch of hair layered all over my head!!!!! At the sensitive age of 16, I now looked like a boy, a very young skinny flatchested pimpled boy. My life was over. After crying myself sick, I dried my eyes and made a solemn vow to never get my hair cut again. Up until I made my last promotion in 1994, I grew my hair out until I could sit on it, only submitting to the occasional end trims. After my son was born in 1987, I did let CoolSis cut me up to bra strap once, but it was still long.

Being in the AirFarce, there are regulations about everything, including hair. With hair like mine, I wore it braided and pinned to the back of my head; nothing exciting, pretty boring and plain, not to mention hot and heavy. The hot and heavy part did not come into play until I was stationed on Guam in a Combat Communications Group. A CCG means that you are trained to pack up all manner of communications gear (phones, computers, teletype, satellite, radio, dixie cups and string), tents, food and water for 30 days and head into a forward area and provide these services to your user. Think Ma Bell in camoflague if it helps you. Anyhow, traveling to hot, exotic locales in Asia and roughing it is not very conducive to keeping luxurious long locks and so in 1994 I decided it was time for a bob. Nothing fancy, just off my shirt collar enough to be within regulation.

This served me well, and Fozzie could live with it too--he is one of THOSE kinds of guys, you know, that love the long hair. Earthpig is one of those guys too, and I recall that he was not real thrilled with my decision to bob, but got over it in time. I kept the bob until we retired and moved to the Carolinas in 1999. Now, I grew up just over these mountains in East TN, and I have travelled to hot jungle places that I can't spell and you can't find on a map, but NEVER do I remember being in heat and humidity like I have experienced since moving here. My Aunt Lee in TN blames it on the global warming, and after spending 80 years on this Earth, the last 40 in a 100 year old farmhouse with no AC, I'm inclined to think she knows whereof she speaks.

So back to the bob I went about 2 years ago. But my head continued to sweat, my hair sucked up the humidity and I began to resemble Rosanna Rosannadanna, complete with the large glasses. Its always something!! Thinking back fondly to the Dorothy, I started to take a poll among my friends and family, thinking they would all agree that it is the perfect cut for me.
WRONG!! MyEvilTwin put it most bluntly, saying straight out that my face was too fat to be that exposed--Fozzie, TJ and TOCC danced around that by trying to suggest that my face was rather round. Back in the day my face was thinner, but anymore its hard to tell which is bigger, the full moon in the sky or my face. So I shelved the idea and continued to sweat until I went to TOCC's to stay the night before we went to see Rascal Flatts in concert recently.

Remember my talking about forces of nature? Last time I stayed over at TOCC's before a concert she drug me out to Kohl's and made me try on bras for 2 hours and laughed at my granny panties. I had broken down a year ago and let her start putting those 30 day rinses in my hair thinking that would satisfy her and get her off my back. Apparently that was just the opening she was looking for to make me over. Having done the bra thing in Aug before Brooks and Dunn, TOCC now decided that she had thought it over and I should get my hair cut. I guess she went and found a picture of Dorothy or was just bored because the next thing I know she drags me into the car and runs down to her beauty salon and makes me an appointment for that very afternoon. I am protesting all the while and for safety's sake we go back and print out pictures of the most famous wedge in the world. Not that it helped any. The stylist I had an appointment with was all of about 25, and had no idea what we were talking about. I show her pictures and she was still clueless and starting to look nervous, which just feeds my utter terror that I'm about to get scalped AGAIN ala 1978. The stylist at the next chair is listening in, and as she is "a certain age" she begins to try and explain to Miss Clueless how this cut works. As Frankie Avalon descends from heaven above singing Beauty School Dropout, I am starting to move towards the door and run for my life when the other client sees the look of complete panic on my face and suggests that we switch stylists. Curses, foiled again!! TOCC is thrilled, and I find myself in the hands of the older stylist who tells us all about how she practically invented this cut for her sister back in the day. Well, Ms Vegomatic proceeds to slice, dice, thin, layer and I don't know what all else as my eyes were firmly screwed shut. When it is over, I see feathers. Not Farah-like, but feathers all the same. I also see for the first time in 30 years my COWLICK! Holy shit, how could you forget one of those? Ms Vegomatic did NOT give me a Dorothy, she gave me a 40- something style that only resembles a Dorothy in that my hair IS longer than 1 inch all over my head. With feathers. I look old.

I am in shock. TOCC is so excited that I think she had to change her panties when we got home. She is absolutely gushing as she exclaims that I look just like my MOM!!!!!!!! As my mother is in her 60s this does not help me. I manage to not pass out when Geoffrey at the desk gushes that the cut brings me out! and that the bill is $50. Since this was my birthday present from TOCC I feel slightly relieved that I was not the one shelling out the big bucks for this fiasco, and I puzzle over exactly what kind of OUT Geoffrey had in mind upon seeing me. I proceed to run my fingers thru what is left of my hair, getting used to having air back there and begin telling myself that it will grow out. If Fozzie doesn't kill me first. Fozzie had NO idea that this was gonna happen when he dropped me off the night before, and I'm betting he will not be pleased. Hell, I had no idea she was gonna talk me into a stunt like this, and "it will grow out" becomes a mantra.

Suffice it to say that Fozzie was most unhappy and he really hates this haircut. Hoping for an ego boost from a more objective party than TOCC, I take a picture and email it around. CoolSis thinks it will be great for the upcoming cruise, BabySis (who happens to be a stylist) thinks it is a good, precision cut, MET calls me on the phone and says "OH MY GOD what have you DONE?" Earthpig is barely speaking to me, TJ laughs and says it will grow out. I call my Mom and tell her about TOCC and the haircut, and that TOCC thinks I look just like Mom. Mom has seen the pic and proceeds to tell me to grow my hair out IMMEDIATELY as I have never looked like her IN MY LIFE and now is not a good time to start. I am taken aback by her vehemence and proceed to call TOCC to complain that she has ruined my life, everybody hates my haircut. Including my Mom. TOCC immediately demands Mom's phone number and calls me back later to report that when she introduced herself my Mom began to laugh and continued to laugh the whole time they talked. She also reported that Mom said I looked like a serial killer! Well gee thanks Mom!!! Glad I can still count on you to support me when I need it. TOCC's daughter sees a picture of me (having been out of town when her mom was torturing me) and wants to know why I have gotten a bull dyke haircut!!!!! So now I sit here, telling the world how TOCC has turned me into a Serial Killing Bull Dyke in my quest for a Dorothy hairstyle. My only consolation is that if I'm a Serial Killing Bull Dyke, then TOCC is my Bitch.