31 December 2005

Every Picture Tells A Story

As 2005 comes to a close, I thought it would be good to look back at a very eventful year. The New Year of 05 brought Surlymon to the age of 18, and a full house was on hand to help him celebrate. This was a much easier New Years Eve than the one I spent in labor with him, Surlymon waiting until 9:50 am on New Years Day to make his appearance.


March brought us a new member of the family—Sasha, born Jan 4th, and adopted from Petsmart.




Later in March I went home to Tennessee to celebrate my Mamaw’s 100th birthday. What a great old lady she is!!! We should all live to enjoy as much life as she has, and contribute half as much.




May was a busy month! Mothers Day was spent at Cool Sister's new house and




May also brought us to Surlymon’s high school graduation, 25 years after my own. What a struggle!! There were times when we thought this day would never happen. The ropes we are strangling him with are honors ropes, by the way.Hallelujah!!Fozzie spent the rest of the day slaving over the grill making his "World Famous BBQ Ribs".






The summer passed by hot, humid and rainy. August saw us signing our lives away to put Surlymon into college at the Art Institute of Charlotte. After quitting kindergarten on the very first day, Surlymon was never interested in schooling of any kind until now. He has jumped right into college with a passion and is doing very well. We also had a chance to go spend a day in Asheville with the Earthpigs and TJ, which was most excellent.




September brought Labor Day weekend and a trip to my Mom’s. While there we received most excellent news that Cool Sister is expecting a little girl in April 06.


What a big surprise! We had given up hope that she was even able to have kids.
September is also the beginning of band season, and this year Fozzie (with his brand new tuba) has joined in the fun.




October brought our long awaited cruise,




And arriving home in November brought us to crisis again as Surlymon had wracked up his 3rd speeding ticket in 6 months or so. Not ordinary speeding tickets for my boy, these were each 20 miles over the posted limits and required court appearances and fines and points, and the threat from the great state of NC that further infractions would result in license suspension. SIGH Deciding that driving one’s grown son back and forth to college was asking entirely too much, we bit the bullet and increased our college loan to put him into housing. The college has apartments nearby, and so right before Thanksgiving, Surlymon moved into Charlotte to share with 3 other Art School Geeks. Surlymon is in heaven. Fozzie and I have celebrated by running around the house nekkid at every opportunity.

Thanksgiving was spent here at the Rock Bottom Mushroom Farm and Petting Zoo, and Fozzie’s parents drove up from FL to eat turkey with us. We also had other friends join us for the day, and we all stuffed ourselves stupid with Fozzie’s fine meal. Yumm.

December brought us an icestorm that caused Fozzie and I to have to sleep on a pallet in front of the fireplace when the power went out. Not my idea of fun, as we are way too fat to sleep on the floor these days. The dogs and cats thought it was a great idea and snuggled in, on and around us thru the long cold night. SIGH.
We will close this year with family and friends, the way it should always be.

30 December 2005

Humanity At Its Best

Yesterday morn started out wonderful. I felt like leaving my cave and getting some things done. I talked to TET and our conversation gave me an idea for a blog entry. A BLOG ENTRY!!!! I haven’t felt creative in so long and I refuse to use the blog as a whining zone. First, I had a few errands to run locally, no long trips for me.

About 0930 I set out, cheerful, humming. At my first stop, I was conversing with the storeowner when she received a call. After hello, alarm made a home on her face. Oh Christ, something’s happened at her home, I’ll offer to watch the store for her while she takes care of it. “What?” I asked. Horrified, she told me our friends’ house was even now burning to the ground. Well shit. I broke any and every posted speed limit getting over there. (Our town is small; I can go from one side to the other in under 15 minutes if the lights are against me.) Five fire trucks were clustered on the street. (If our town is so small, why do we rate five trucks? We don’t. Departments from up to 20 miles away had responded. At least four other small towns had sent their trucks.) There were also several water trucks – we are a small town, fire hydrants? I joined my friend and hugged her as we watched her home burn to the ground. To the ground!

The day did get better, not great but better. Her children (16, 20, 21) had gotten out of the house safely, the ferret and the snake with them. The dog and cats had scattered so we were worried for them, but hopeful. Neighbors came over and gave the kids jackets and shoes. The middle child, a Marine home from Okinawa for Christmas leave, ran off an insensitive TV cameraman. Friends arrived, hugs happened. Friends walked up to Mom and handed her $100 bills. Housing was arranged, her church has offered their parsonage that is empty at the moment. The Red Cross provided vouchers for food, clothing and hotel stay. More friends arrived, more arrangements were made; more donations were arranged, there was always a friend near the Mom and her children, just in case. The storeowner closed her store and came by to pick up the snake. Another friend went out and bought all the stuff needed for a ferret (ain’t cheap let me tell you) and came 30 miles to pick it up.

The firefighters were still working on hot spots and sudden blaze ups when I finally took the family to lunch (about 1400). They thought they would be there till dark and reassured the family there was no need to hang around, NOTHING could be salvaged, NOTHING would be left. After lunch, we went to my house to make phone calls and use computers. There was a bright spot in the afternoon – one of the cats was found wailing on the front porch after the firefighters left. Ugly (that is her name, I swear) is now living with us.

The Mom asked The Geek to check out her car as it was making an odd noise. He came back shaken – he was surprised she was still alive; apparently the brake calipers were just about done in. Like she NEEDED any more problems!! The Geek followed her to the car dealer (26 miles away) to drop off the car. I took the kids and off to the motel we went – where I gave up my car for her family to use. (She wanted the family to have a few days alone after this event so she had turned down all other offers of places to stay.)

We all went to Wal-Mart to get a couple of change of clothes for all and some food using the Red Cross voucher. (This Wal-Mart and its clueless Customer Service clerk is a whole ‘nother rant.) MORE aggravation arrived in the form of her ex and his replacement wife. Well, at least he showed up ready to buy the kids what they needed to get started. I enjoyed putting things in his cart that the kids needed. Yes, I am a spiteful person and it was a nasty divorce. The daughter will not speak to dad and she asked me to take all the things she needed over to his cart so she wouldn’t have to go near him. I, of course, agreed; see earlier statement about me and spite. The oldest son made a point of reminding dad of needing college money and a new laptop (he wasn’t happy about dad and the reasons for the divorce either.) The Marine wouldn’t let dad pay for anything he needed, he’s still a tad upset that dad turned his back on them and left them homeless and penniless before.

At 2200, The Geek and I said good-bye to the family after unloading bags into their motel rooms. I promised the boys I would provide tools and combat boots so we (yes, I’m going with them) could sift through what was left of the house. I have an ulterior motive for that. I don’t want the Mom or the daughter to see the bodies of the cats and dog. One of the firefighters confided to a non-family member that the dog had apparently crawled under the house. Hopefully the fire was hot enough to cremate the cat bodies. But maybe the cats made it out. The kids left the doors opened when they evacuated. I have my fingers crossed and a room ready for them if they are alive.

So the day was terrible. But I’m concentrating on all the expressions of love, concern, compassion, and caring expressed by everyone; friends, neighbors, complete strangers, Red Cross, businesses, firemen, deputies. And today is no different, I'm fielding calls from all over town: people wanting to help, asking how. It was and is incredible.

24 December 2005

MouseWars Episode III

Revenge of the Shit


Things are getting rather grim. Casualties on both sides are beginning to rise.
The Friday night after the last rant, (which Fozzie hadn’t read or known about) he comes down the hall, absolutely incensed. “Little MotherFuckers!!! This means war!”
One of the bold insurgents had been seen by Fozzie, hanging from the bars of a bird cage. Taking it personally, Fozzie set out traps and went to bed early. Around 2200 hours, a trailer-rattling crash comes from my bedroom. As the aftershocks subside, Fozzie emerges, limping but victorious with a dead TLF clutched in his hand. Upon hearing the trap go off, Fozzie had attempted to leap from the waterbed and claim his victory. Unfortunately he tangled his feet in the quilt, twisted around and slammed himself down onto his left knee. Not being as slim as he used to be, the impact of his full weight onto his one little kneecap was considerable, and he is just now recovering full use of the limb.

Last weekend, Fozzie and I braved the battlefield for Search and Recovery of any usable items. Oh. My. GOD. The little fuckers have been much busier and much more destructive than we thought. There was nothing in the cabinets that they had not attempted to destroy. They even ate Surlymon’s baby book for crying out loud!! Upon pulling out the cabinet unit for deeper cleaning we discovered this:



They have chewed thru the baseboard in the office and have been coming thru in WAVES!! Mother fuckers. They even enlarged the peephole in my bathroom ceiling. When Fozzie and I came off our mouse shit/piss cleaning fluid high, we went in search of bigger guns. We returned with more traps and poison. Our resolve is still strong, but the psychological aspects of this war are beginning to wear thin. Fozzie has reoccurring nightmares involving hordes of the little brown fuckers rappelling from the ceiling and surrounding him. As the body count continues to rise, we realize that after the New Year we may need to call for a mercenary. SIGH.
Merry Fucking Xmas from the Front.

07 December 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday


The face of a man who has seen his wife HALF-NEKKID at the beach


In honor of HNT, I will tell you a story about the time I got half-nekkid at Orient Beach, on the French side of the island of St Martin. It all began when MET, TJ and I were discussing which shore excursions we were going to book for our cruise. The cruiseline offers a variety of different things to do while in each port of call, and with a large group like we had (there were 10 of us) we thought some coordination beforehand might be in order.

For each port there were shopping excursions, several different types of snorkeling packages, sightseeing around the islands—the usual. I happened to notice that on the island of St Maarten they were offering a 4x4 jeep tour around the island-said tour ending at the clothing optional Orient Beach. Now, the most fun thing that Fozzie and I did on our last cruise was a dune buggy tour out to a beach at Costa Maya Mexico. The dune buggy tour had us driving thru jungles and pig trails and we were absolutely soaked in mud by the time we were finished—and laughing like a couple of kids.

I mentioned to MET and TJ that the 4x4 jeeps looked to be as much fun as the dune buggies, the only catch being that it ended at a nude beach. Well, MET immediately rejects any talk of nude beaches and vows to find something else to do. TJ entertained the idea for awhile, and we discussed whether or not we would have the nerve to go topless in front of strangers, let alone our friends. That didn’t last long, and TJ eventually backed out too, leaving just me and Fozzie going to Orient Beach by jeep.

The day we hit St Maarten was hot and beautiful. The excursion was scheduled for 4 hours, beginning on the Dutch side and traveling over to the French side at Orient Beach.
Fozzie and I teamed up with an older couple from Chattanooga who all agreed to let me do the driving. One of the other folks from our ship was a gentleman all decked out in Razorback red and after talking to him a little, I realized that he and CombatMom were from the same neck of the woods and said as much to him. Not thinking any more of it, we all loaded up in our jeeps and headed out around the island.

I could give you a National Geographic rundown on the island, but if you are reading this, you have the internet available and can find out about it for yourself. Suffice it to say that at the end of 3 hours we wound up at the most beautiful beach I have ever seen.
The water was shades of blue that are hard to describe. Lounge chairs with umbrellas were available and my extremely Irish-skinned Fozzie found us a set immediately. Of course, we had completely forgotten to use or bring any sunscreen, so to prevent further cooking of tender flesh we needed shade.

Now, I had not worn a bathing suit for this trip,just shorts and tank tops as I didn’t plan on getting in the water. Did I mention that it was hot? We get ourselves parked in our chairs, Fozzie adjusts the umbrella to make sure that it will cover us both and we sit for a moment sweltering and enjoying the view. I had thought that only a part of Orient Beach was clothing optional, but as I look around me I notice a woman near us sunbathing. She has a very dark tan, so dark and even that it took me 2 glances to realize she was topless. Now, thats a tan! We continue to sit and swelter but notice that there is an extremely good breeze coming in off the water. Fozzie decides that he is going to take his shirt off.
He is so fair skinned that he usually stays covered at the beach, but this day was so hot and the breeze was so inviting that he decided to risk it. Plus we had the umbrella, which was Fozzie sized. So on the spur of the moment, I decide that I would do it if he would, and we both doffed our shirts.

The world did not come to a screeching halt, no one screamed, laughed or ran for cover.
But just to make sure, I laid back on the lounge chair and put my floppy hat over my face.
That way I would not see any horrified looks that might come my way as I laid there looking like a tee shirt I recall from the 70s. You know, the one with the 2 fried eggs on it? Yeah, so hardly believing that I’d had the nerve and relying on the old adage “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” I got half-nekkid at Orient Beach. On a Thursday.

The next day I ran into CombatMom at the casino bar and she was talking to the Razorback guy. We spent some time roundly abusing Jr while talking NASCAR and CombatMom tells how she had asked Razorback if he was the guy I had mentioned running into the other day. I jump in and say “Oh that was yesterday, blah blah blah”, and mention “that it was only yesterday” several times. At some point along the way I realize to my horror that if it was yesterday, it was because that was right before we went to Orient Beach. THIS NICE GUY HAS SEEN ME HALF-NEKKID!!! And bless his heart, he is gentlemanly enough not to mention it. As CombatMom and I are walking away from the bar, I relate to her my horror at realizing this guy has seen me half-nekkid, but was kind enough not to mention the fact.

And then it occurs to me. It becomes my mantra, and I use it to good effect when I am relating this whole story later to my Mom, who naturally freaks out that “Good God, here I’ve been worrying that it would be my oldest grandchild who winds up on the Girls Gone Wild video and it turns out that YOU have been running around topless at the beach!!!” I smiled down the phone and said “Mom, its ok. People may have seen ME topless at the beach, but they will all think it was My Evil Twin”. Mom and MET are not amused by that thought, but it sure amuses me. Sometimes having an Evil Twin works to your advantage.

05 December 2005

Fozzie: 10 TLFs: 3