New Rules To Live By

I read this on the Sheep Thrills list. I thought it was sarcastic enough to post on here. And it does make for a new post to read. Some of it questionably PC. I suspect it was written by a man. I did delete a few of the paragraphs and/or lines from the original. THey just weren't me.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com.
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's
because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing
my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing around with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa
figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target! You just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter", verifying the
amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving; it's the white people version of
looting.